Frozen in the dream you gave me

Sat, 01 Jul 2006 11:05:45 GMT

now at electriclemon

... >>; i got hacked on my new journals.

Sun, 30 Oct 2005 08:45:07 GMT

MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE LYRICS

"Helena"

Long ago
Just like the hearse you die to get in again
We are so far from you

Burning on just like a match you strike to incinerate
The lives of everyone you know
And what's the worst you take (worst you take)
from every heart you break (heart you break)
And like the blade you stain (blade you stain)
Well I've been holding on tonight

[Chorus]
What's the worst that I can say?
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight

Came a time
When every star fall brought you to tears again
We are the very hurt you sold
And what's the worst you take (worst you take)
from every heart you break (heart you break)
And like the blade you stain (blade you stain)
Well I've been holding on tonight

[Chorus]
What's the worst that I can say?
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight
And if you carry on this way
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight

Can you hear me?
Are you near me?
Can we pretend to leave and then
We'll meet again
When both our cars collide?

[Chorus]
What's the worst that I can say?
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight
And if you carry on this way
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight

.. and that's the last you'll see in this journal. fuct_erasure from now on.

Sun, 30 Oct 2005 02:27:53 GMT

NEH.
OK.

I admit it.
i'm sick of this idiot named journal.
not like i liked my icon journal's name anyways eitehr (popcorn n' salt? 8D HAH!)

I think i'm gonna merge over to fuct_erasure because well, yea.. i was using that for "paranormal bullshit" ..
but .. ><.

.. yea. i wont go into WHY i was using it for that. (was meaning i doubt anything more is gonna happen.)

*COUGH* yea.

Bored to death.
Need to reinvigorate my icon making.
Half the time y'know ..
BAH.

So yea. the 19th of november.. would be a year since i had this journal.
and yea. I HATE THE DAMN NAME!

The only friend i know that CAN and WILL strangle me outright is jenn..
the others i dont know when they will.

but yea.

MOVE MOI TO THERE! ONWARD HO! *walks off retardedly*

halloweeeeeenie. (a couple days early)

Fri, 28 Oct 2005 19:48:30 GMT

I swear. my life has become more utterly confusing after last night..
not only have i been told "You need to get laid" by a 21 year old and a 28 year old (girls mind you)
but i've had an offer fro mteh 21 year old to "BREAK ME IN"

Mind you, Adele is good looking.. has a decent amount on top TO play with.. but uh, i'm a bit chicken..
i've never done such things in my life.
Not only that but i was like "Not in my hide tshirt." (meanwhile i'm itcing my face cause i have to wash it off yet.)

i smell oddly like ciggarettes , booze and sweat (we walked form brown st to crown hotel to brimstone to bowler).

I MADE IT IN A NIGHTCLUB (small one) WITHOUT ID! FUCK YEA! 8D .. but then the bowler wouldn't let me, aww but the guy was REALLY nice about it. So i went home early. I'm a tad peeved, but hey that's mostly my fault.

my hair is a mess, my face looks like hell warmed over (it's currently frozen doncha know? XD it was after bec made me read hide x sugi yaoi lol.)

I'll write more once we're done cleaning and shit, and the real estate dude's been by.

haha.

Wed, 26 Oct 2005 06:37:49 GMT

hahaha. HAHAHHAHAHA.

Mom kinda did the "BURRRRRRN" syndrome to me today @_@ after three days of spazzing about how SO Not cappy i am (Capricorn), she proved to me how textbook i am by the fact my main three planets or houses are capricorn >>;

Yaaaaaaaaaah.

So yea, now i'm so pissed off i am text book cappy.
><.

God this FUCKING sucks.

Descison.

Tue, 25 Oct 2005 06:31:53 GMT

Yes'm .

if your tired of seeing really scary and odd entries in here, and dont give a rat's ass..
i'm going to post there for really semiprivate friends only things.
just because i feel like it.
and i wanted ane excuse for a new journal...
so maybe eventaully i'll move there ><
but for now i'm sticking here.

If you want to be added to there, go to fuct_erasure
hai hai, it's a combo hide name >>;
otherwise i'll just do my normal updates on life here.

some people are auto added for torture XD

Fucked up and insane? Maybe.

Sun, 23 Oct 2005 20:19:14 GMT

Aight, i had this thing before i moved that i was concerned about.. i've been getting further interested in paranormal things.. well sort of. It started because in march or april i dont remember, there were more than one of these "possession" issues or as i'd like to call them "WTF SPAZ " fits.

Well, i know i had a few more after that, just never documented them online an d laetly i've been passing them off as , "OMFG i need better sleep, eat better etc", an d "It's your ADHD, you just WISH you were posessed." and no it's not a brain or spinal injury or something ><

It happened last night again.

I dont know who, or what it was but it happened.. and i have no way or any clue to know what it was.

I'm not claiming it's anyone, i'm not going to burn my bridges this time around.

Eyes are in contact with water.

Fri, 21 Oct 2005 07:11:12 GMT

I cut my finger.
it fucking hurt.

Anyways lol.

I'm going out for the first time and enjoying myself.. wether i'm a fangirl or not, cause i'm going out in style on halloween. Dead schoolgirl who died listening to hide's music. (We'll claim my parents killed me XD)

My mom's going nuts cause her boredom's running high, and i'm not liking it. sometimes i'm like ready to give up my online time entirley because she's so bored that i have to hear her whine.

I CANT fucking wait til we can afford broadband, i'll get a damn laptop when i get a job, and fucking use a wireless card for it. Sit on the couch and rp goddamnit.

Other than that, i've been drawing more..
and shinya's taking me a week to finish because i keep fucking falling asleep while coloring the bastard!

mom's getting me mor eshoes tomorrow, both pairs are nearly dead
... yea.

that's about it.

It's Saturday.

Fri, 14 Oct 2005 21:23:09 GMT

I'm going back to school as soon as i get my permanent residecny, and am able to grab a job.

Tourism/Travel is an interesting topic.

I've been telling people that when i go, i will finish this course.. i dont know how well i'll pass it but i will pass it.

and i'll earn whatever qualification comes from it.

^_^.

and remind me never to look at nearly year old entries in here!
@_@.

me was insane a year ago.

... sadistic depression doesn't make sense, i was a mouthful wasn't i? XD

COUGH

Thu, 13 Oct 2005 06:49:36 GMT

Yea, i'm sitting here listening to craig david.. because it's a .. well i could change it to hide, i'm in the mood for it.. but yea..

I want to mvoe in august 2006, i want to get away asap..
but i don't think i managed to prove this point to jenn last night..

I have to earn the money to prove to myself i can support myself..
I can't go to cali with absolute shit for shin-ola money, i have to try and save airefare (NZD), and other money (USD) up to about 3 grand or more.

I have to be able to say, "I'm not going to make stupid irrationla descsions based on my ADHD." .. i can't just move in august if i'm still going, "OMFG. 8D"

I want to move, i want to get the fuck out of this place.. it's the population size of minneapolis st paul..
so no, things are not looking very bright on this end, it's just a fucking rain on my parade..
it's too small, and the possiblities for growth for someone my age are NOT endless, they're throwing things backward here.

I, however do worry that if i move.. Jenn and I won't get along anymore, i worry that because some of my best friends in life stayed by my side for years, until a certain point in history where i was fed up and spazzed over trivial things, or what i thought were huge things.. that n.. nevermind.

I'm just..

I'm bored here.

I want out.. but i have to be rational.

It's about time i updated this thing.

Wed, 12 Oct 2005 07:09:51 GMT

Alright .. since everyone else is doing their semi emotional update ..

People know of my "Eventually i'm going to move to cali, and deal with the rest of my life, get a boy get a job.. get a life. " .. Well there's kinks being thrown in the way, everyday i guess.. it's frustrating me , maybe not to 'NO END', but it's frustrating.

My mom had a minor heartattack over the weekend, on top of that somewhere injune- july she had a nervous breakdown, and a few things happened which changed my original plan of moving in september. Well now that she's got psioratic arthritis, possible angina, Bipolar 2, and other things.. it makes me sit here and cringe because at almost 23, i shouldn't have to stay home and take care of my mom.. I LOVE my mom, don't get me wrong.. i just think at my age it's .. it's like a death blow. She's not dying, she's not decrepid.. she's an artist.. and she's a BIPOLAR artist.. (Another in the line of Qualities her and Yoshiki share oddly enough,)

But anyways.

The kinks tend to be that she keeps whining that Cali is so expesnive, but WHILE IT IS.. you can work around it. She tends to whine, "ADMIT IT, you want to go because of Jenn." and i'm like, "Fuck yea, because i have her as a friend," and she responds, "What happens if you two don't get along after you get together in an apartment?", "We deal, we're adults." , "But you.." . "WE deal."

It's all valid things she's saying..

Except when she mentions natural disasters.. then i strangle.

So what if cali sinks?

Maybe there's the thought in the back of my head that i'll pass on, and go see grandpa.. and finally get to hang out with her dad. I know it's a sick thought, but if i die in a natural disaster, so what? I UNDERSTAND I'm her only child, it's depressing as hell if i would die.. she'd go insane if either i or john died.. But still, i live in a country who's mental health response is to lock them in a hospital, some of their doctors ARE the top in the country.. and i don't deny that their taking care of those they don't lock away that are more treatable than others.. Their medical system sucks, their history isn't even properly written down..

Yea. New Zealand wasn't even really a country until the early 1900s or later..
everyone who's from here goes, "BULLSHIT." and i go, "Dude, you were settled and became territory before that.. but WHEN were you a flagged country on the map?" and they go "1800s."

and Dude, when Otago was first settled, Minnesota was thriving as a state.

Agh fuck.
Too much to read eh?
Fine, i'll stop blabbering lol.

COUGH

Wed, 12 Oct 2005 06:46:51 GMT

Stolen from [info]princesschaos/deadlykao:

"X" the ones you have, leave the ones you haven't blank.

[X] You can look a group of Japanese people dressed in girls clothing and pick out which one are men.

[X] If you see a picture of a men in drag, you know which ones are strongly heterosexual and which ones are the crossdressers.

[X] By watching concerts, you are well aware that fanservice does not equal homosexuality.

[X] You can identify all the members of Dir en grey in the darkest pictures, but you don't know the names of the members in your favourite American band.

[X] You always carry at least one Japanese CD with you at all times.

[X] And you can sing the lyrics, without knowing what they mean.

[X] You can tell the difference between Masa and Mana.

[X] You know the different between Hyde and hide.

[X] God help the person who spells "hide" wrong, or pronounces it wrong.

[X] Matter of fact, god help any person who mispronounces or misspells any band such as L'arc~en~Ciel, Dir en grey, Malice Mizer, D'espairsRay, FAKE?, etc. It's equivalent to pissing off the volcano gods and a sacrifice must be made. You know, same goes with song titles too.

[X] You see the word "hide" in the newspaper and say it like the singer.

[ ]You've picked up phrases like, "Oh my Gackt".

[ ] It's possible to tell the size of a man's package by their height.

[X] When looking at a magazine picture or screenshot of a J-rock band or singer, you can immediantly tell how old or new it is by the "era".

[X] You create at least one fansite or livejournal community, or have a section for your favourite band/J-rocker on your own webpage.

[X] You know which J-rockers are sleeping with other jrockers, only the jrockers themselves don't know it yet.

[ ] Shazna is a guilty pleasure that you never admit to.

[X] If you've ever sent your favourite person/band either a letter, e-mail, or gift knowing they probably can't read it or the label.

[ ] You know you love J-rock when you know how to pronounce Caliâ‰ Gari, MUCC, MYV, Î›ucifer, or any band with " : " in it.

[X] Engrish is a second language.

[X] If you ever learned French or German from Japanese songs.

[X] If you are interested in the androgenous men of J-rock, you get bonus points if your mother has ever asked you if you're a lesbian.

[X] You get mad at an artist for dying or cutting their hair without asking you first.

[X] Hell if you can remember their names, but you can identify J-rockers by their piercings, tattoos, or specific colour.

[X] You can learn kanji through J-rock.

[X] When you get a deal on an authentic CD at 25 dollars!

[X] You know a J-Rock fans' obsession, passion, or duration of fandom is measured by the amount of Gigabytes taken up by avatars, wallpapers, scanlations, and screenshots.

[X] You've tricked guys into thinking male J-rockers are really are girls just to see their reactions when they find out otherwise.

[X] Your locker at school is covered with pictures of your favourite J-rocker, as well as anything else. Great conversation starter.

[X] Zappy, FoolsMate, Shoxx, Arena37C, Potato, and Newsmaker are considered more prized than any other magazines in existance.

[ ] Oricon Charts are refreshed constantly.

[X] If you know that the effect of cigarettes on a singer's voice is a timestamp for how old a song is.

[ ] Your most prideful moment was chewing out a fan searching for J-Rock bootlegs at an anime convention because they insisted on supporting their wallet instead of the band.

[X] Your favourite band or J-rock artist's birthday's make you more excited than a national holiday. Bake a cake, have a party! Bonus points for frosting art.

[X] Parallel to the one above, you clear your schedule the day a Jrocker died so you can spend all day listening to their media and mourning.

[X] Any bodily alteration you make to yourself, from tattoos to hairdying, is inspired by J-rockers. The sad thing is your parents are starting to pick up on this.

[X] You can boldly claim J-rock is educational *and* cultural because it makes you play instruments AND you're learning a new language that they don't teach in school.

[ ] If you have ever made cosplay and don't want to get undressed after the convention is over...

AIGHT ENOUGH OF THE CRAZY F'IN DREAMS MAN.

Sat, 24 Sep 2005 21:26:35 GMT

Alright.

I had a dream.

Like normal people do.. only this isn't normal..

My dad was in it, Amy (a friend from when i was in the states) , Jenn and some of her family.. and a couple other unrecognizable people were in there.

We were like all there right.

Well. I inivted Amy and Jenn and Dad to sit in on my driving O_o. i didnt have a lisc. but i was driving.
and if it worked, and dad liked it we got to go to some six flags like amusment park.

Like i remember the rest O-o.

Goddamnit.

MY FUCKING INHUMANITY! 8D

Sat, 24 Sep 2005 09:21:35 GMT

Kill me if you wish i'm one inhumne american and so is my mom.. but we're cracking up about CNN.
We wish the best on all the victims and everyhting.. but we're making jokes abouts the newscasters

PsyenceSxty: mom: COME ON! I WANNA SEE A FUCKING BRICK HIT THE BASTARD IN THE HEAD!
sadpinkmachine: lol
sadpinkmachine: *goes to Louisiana and throws bricks at newscasters then gets blown back to San Diego*
PsyenceSxty: mom: I'm sooo dissapointed. *HUFF*
PsyenceSxty: mom: SHIT ITS A CAR BOMB! SHIT ITS A DUST TORNADO! SHIT ITS... my ex husband!

PsyenceSxty: We're still crac king jokes about the tv XD
PsyenceSxty: There's police on tv
PsyenceSxty: and we're lilke "WTF GO RESCUE PEOPLE!"
PsyenceSxty: XD

ok get this homecoming parade, dance.. inlumberton texas.. after the storm.
LIKE PEOPLE ARE GONNA ATTEND! XD

neh fangirl desu.

Sat, 24 Sep 2005 07:02:44 GMT

I went to the Otaru-Dunedin sister city parade.. our group didnt have anything to say aloud so sue and a couple others sang "Ue Wo Muite Aruko" the best they could XD i wish i reembered the lyrics.

I have my banner still, i kept it after tearing off the bamboo sticks.
my plushies have been in a parade! ;_; too bad i can't be at the hide museum tomorrow.

Anyways, i saw the taiko drummers.. Interesting. and cool.

After all that i ended up not eating all day, until about 4 when i bought a pork rib dinner at arizona tex mex place in golden centre. REALLY GOOD FOOD!

I went to the arcade btw..

Yah. my mom loves that photo.

Not gonna release any parade photos, me and that headband didnt mix. >>; despite what cheri said.

Fucking hell.

Fri, 23 Sep 2005 04:57:57 GMT

God it's been a couple weeks since i've been back to work, and we finally got the damn keys and get to go in.
I'll be at the parade tomorrow, and most saturdays i'll reserve for social shit in case i start getting more social.. and i am.

I did my eyebrows again, i couldn't fuckign stand it.. as ungirly as i can be that's the ONE thing that's fucking bugged me. So now i have girly eyebrows again.. yet itmakes me laugh.. i look like i'm pissed off without BEING pissed off XD so i think i managed to mess up a little on the shape.

Nuked is going well.
my rpg.
Well as well as it can.
but i'm not gonna go into that lol.

I've got no social life, yet i'm staying in new zealand for at least a year. I need to start getting one.. because i'm tired of being in the house.. i'm tired of it.. somenights i'm like "FUCK. NEeD FRESH AIR".

Well ok that's it i got nothin' else to post.
I'm rping.. i need to pay attention to ze takara mun.

99 problems but a bitch ain't one..

Sat, 17 Sep 2005 20:32:55 GMT

I spent last night ALMOST crying, i hadn't felt so stressed and scared about roleplaying issues since .. god i dont know when. It wasn't the same feeling as when katy screwed over JRM, it was different.. it wasn't a nervous stomach ache. It was pure rage, and fear toward what was going on.

It's pretty bad if i have to sleep to get it to go away, i was all waiting to go back online last night because i would've been able to by about midnight one in hte morning... but i couldn't, my head was pounding.. and it felt like i was bleeding in places i knew i wasn't bleeding in.

It got to the point between talking to dawn about her problems (mind you i had good reason to talk to her,because i was worried.) , and hearing all this shit about sheila.. that i wanted to scream. I wanted to move back to minnesota, i wanted to assert my side i never like showing anymore and scream Sheila's head off. but the difference is, i imagined myself as a guy doing it.. i imagined going there and placing her against a wall and screaming her head off, making her see what the fuck she's done wrong. But that's just it, people like sheila don't give a shit.

And i don't give a fuck if she hears about it, why? because she's been gone from my life since 2003, her and andi didn't care enough. They used to think i was lying about my grandmother, that i was just making shit up. They knew she wasn't a great person, but they and their mother used to sit there and tell me how much I WAS insane. How much i needed help, because i was confused on my sexual preference, i had dabbled in smoking. .and drinking.

Last night reminded me of how i fell face first into sheila's void.

How it was partially my fault, as well, but at the same time.. when your told various things about situations.. that others are in, your reminded of your own. Being sucked into something so far that you can't fucking return? That's exactly what it felt like last night, my head swirled with memories of what was going on at the time. Storylines i'd purposley forgotten, y'all out there who've dealt with sheila.. y'all have never personally been in front of her for more than a day.

Y'all have never fallen for her, and seen her wrath up front, it's scary.. when you think Andi's got yer back and she doesn't. Because she's too scared to lose her sister to the wrath, and she can't stand seeing Sheila angry.

I understand people's problems with her, but i'm to a point of insanity.. i need to reiterate that it's not anyone's fault what i went through last night. I listened to various people talk about situations, and things with roleplays and sheila and others. I read people's journals, and wanted to explode..

Don't get me wrong, i understand part of it was my fault for getting involved.

I just.

I just don't miss my past.

That's all, and..

I keep klinging back to it, like it's second nature, i think i need to let go.. i think i need to find a way to let go of what is in my life that still clings to that part of my past.

Example: Weed out the one guy charachter that i don't have much use for anymore, if i still like using guy charachters, it's no big deal.. but i need to move on.

drop the black eyed bastard to the floor, watch the shit hit the fan.. replace him with the spider-child.

...99 problems but a bitch ain't one.

Sat, 17 Sep 2005 01:24:57 GMT

I am snoring, i am snoring.. i ... >< am in pain!

Fri, 16 Sep 2005 00:39:57 GMT

Anyways. Enough with the stupid subject lines..

We've sold the cafe, but the differencei s.. we can't give it up until november. And i'm kinda miffed at that, because hta't smore time i have to spend without proper residency. As far as i know things are looking up, somet hings are getting pushed aside.. and some aren't. Like i know i want to be out of this country as soon as i've dealt with my ADHD some, and gotten a stable job and money coming in and saved up. It's just that, it got put aside because of the timing. It will happen, i just dont know when.. it may still be mid-late next year, or it might be late - early the year after.

I've been playing sims 2, and i have to fix it later on because we can't stick windows and shit-assed doors in. So i'm like stuck playing without those options.

On that note: hide + takara + bed = WOO HOO!

Seriously, i'm nearing my completion of happiness in that game.. i want to SMACK my hide-sim.. THE FUCKER WONT STOP GROPING TAKARA!!! I'm like 2 minutes into playing and the sucker was all groping and shit all over here. While Yoshiki and Morgaine argued. XD

I forgot to put Dahlia in cause i didn't have time.. i'm gonna try to do that later.

Any other requests for houess? XD

Toreta Chou No.. Inochi Koi Kikazu..

Tue, 13 Sep 2005 08:29:59 GMT

Welcome to fandom, the bus to the open door of the hide fandom boards here.

I've joined in with the Japan Club locally, and am becoming more involved with japanese culture though i'm not in japan.

For those who don't know, i'm involved in the Otaru-Dunedin Sister City 25th Anniversary Parade, Joined up with Japan club.. and am meeting several people.

I am no longer a roleplaying hermit, i am a recovering addict. ... hermit.. kinda. OK SO I"M STILL A FREAKING HERMIT! SHUT UP! XD YES I DIDNT GO HANG OUT AT TIMEZONE SO I COULD COME HOME AND BE ONLINE!

My days of being a half-ass fangirl stop here, my days of bitching and whining i need not be involved stops here. My fandom bus is boarding, and BABY I AM GETTING ON!!!

Ahem, anyone want to join me?

nuked fic: a death in the family, nightmares are anonymous.

Mon, 12 Sep 2005 07:25:37 GMT

Title: A death in the family, nightmares are anonymous
Archive: Go ahead, i don't care
Credit to: nuked / xkasumispider@att.net/ everfree_dx@hotmail.com (and others in the rpg)
Genre: Jrock / Mutant Crossover

Saitoh stepped outside of the darkness, blood dripping from fingers, a sardonic look fixed upon his smooth young Asian face. He'd just began his cleansing of the 'inner soul' of his homeland, claiming the impure as fodder for his experiments, and food for his dinner. Walking off the battlefield, he smirked, staring at his younger cousin with a look to kill.

"So you believed me when i said i had a mental problem?" Saitoh grinned, knowing he had hide in a locked grip. "You're as gullible as your mother, you all believed Aya was killed on accident, my parents disowned me." he laughed, his hand raised to his face ripping the mask over the lower part of his face. " I'm quite sane hideto, the problem is.. are you? You who have played right into my hands, you have nothing left to lose but your own limbs."

hide gulped, he had just watched half of his staff and students be ripped apart to shreds. Something like this was bound to happen he was thinking, but he wasn't sure how bad it would happen. Keeping the shield over him and whoever was left he snarled, " I believed you because i love you, your my fuxxn' family Saitoh, my brother and i kept an eye out over you when you were low, or when we believed you were low." he lowly growled, trying to hold back from fighting yet.

Saitoh flipped his arm out, making his arm blades retract and point toward the ground below him. He moved swiftly to break the shield in front of him, and holding the blades toward a young boy's neck. "Now you can't move, checkmate, your king is going to die."

"Ah'm sorry.. but your wrong" the young boy said, in a semi faked southern accent, fooling the man in front of him temporarily. "Fuxx you." he said, placing a hand on Saitoh's forehead and attacking him telepathically.

Saitoh managed to block most of the attack, realizing he'd been tricked.. he placed a hand on the young boy's throat and held it there, tightening with every breath. "Show yourself." What seemed to be hide, was really Aki telepathically disguised, and vice versa.

"Let GO." hide demanded, leaving himself open to any attack, knowing if he didn't fight.. eventually Saitoh would let go, or so he thought.

"hide. don't let him kill you. ah don't believe he's gonna let go, ah can't see any reason for him to." Akihito replied, trying to decide what to do at a moment's notice.

"I'll be fine Aki, worry about the others." hide said, glaring at Saitoh straight in the eyes. "You will let go." he commanded, coldly. "Checkmate my fuxxn' ass."

"I'm not even restraining myself anymore hideto, eventually your neck will snap, and you'll either die, or be wheelchair bound the rest of your life. YOUR life is in my hands, and i intend to end it." Saitoh snarled, tightening his grip more. Watching his younger cousin fight for his life, and fighting to use the telekinesis ability born to him. "You Will Die Now."

" Is there any reason you have to kill me? " hide asked nonchalantly, staring into Saitoh's eyes, trying to dig within and shut down the neurocentres controlling his rage, and failing.

"That's right, there is no rage. This is just who i am, deal with it you little twerp." Saitoh laughed, tightening his grip further, feeling bones starting to give way in hide's neck he shivered a little, the rush of the next kill, and his inner conciounce telling him it was his family he was killing. "No. I'm GOING to kill you, I'm not going to fucking wimp out just because you so called love me."

hide was starting to choke intently, and couldn't breathe properly, "LET... " he gulped, trying to concentrate, "LET GO." hide tried to loosen Saitoh's grip, and was winning in some ways and failing in others. The further his grip was pulled away, the harder Saitoh lashed at him with an arm blade.

"Your impure." Saitoh snarled, tightening his grip further, lashing again at hide's left side, even slashing three inches of hair off to the ground. "Die."

the loss of blood in such a little amount of time was starting to affect his ability to use his own powers, he stepped back after Saitoh let go. His neck wasn't broken, not yet.. but it was dangerously off balance, enough to break on it's own. "Sai.. Sai. don't do.. don't do this to me.." hide cried out.. the pain was overbearing and searing throughout his body.

"See this blood streak in my hair hideto? That's Yoshiki. after i cut into his hands, removing his ability to play, and then stabbing his heart so he couldn't live. Maybe not my most creative kill, but he needed to die.. he annoyed me." Saitoh laughed sardonically, letting go of hide's neck, he wasn't caring one way or another. He reached over and grabbed Daisuke by the arm and grinned, "My puppets are all pawns, they're just as impure as you.. do you want to see?"

"Saitoh.." Daisuke gulped, knowing if he wasn't careful his life was about to end.

"Saitoh.. don't." hide used what was left of his telekinesis to hold his neck from breaking. He was shivering wildly, knowing his own life was ending, "You didn't kill any of them did you?"

Saitoh chuckled, "Are you insane? Of course i did, it's tearing you apart like cancer." he slashed Daisuke across the stomach, leaving entrails falling out everywhere. "Impure." he said, watching Daisuke fall flat faced down to the floor dead. " This is because there is no love in the world it's a facade. "

"SAITOH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" hide screamed, watching another get killed. " Don't FUXXN kill anymore.." he screamed, trying to run after Saitoh, but he couldn't move two inches without his neck feeling like it was about to snap, and it was. His breathing became irregular, and he grabbed his chest like there was a hole inside waiting to explode with organ entrails. Huffing, puffing and salivating just to stay alive, he cringed and held out toward saitoh, and cried out. " Don't do this. "

" Don't do what? " Saitoh smirked, taking a pack of hide's ciggarettes from the pocket of the dying man's pants. Pulling one out, he lit it, smoked it and blew it in hide's face. " Don't murder people for the sake of the thrill? You should know by now to-chan, i have no heart. I never have."

" ... fuxx. " hide was losing conciousness, and was unable to stand on his own without his telekinesis. Falling to his knees in front of Saitoh, he gulped. " Why? " he growled, "Why me?"

"Because you need to learn that pacifism isn't going to work. Your little game, it's made you lose everything you and your staff hold so dear." Saitoh chuckled, patting hide on the head like a small dog. " Besides, it's not like you needed Yoshiki for anything. " he smiled, "And you fucked up the takara thing, i won't even go there." he laughed again, he knew where to press the buttons, how and how hard. " By the way, shall i keep her around? or shall her fingernails be burnt to the core, her hair cut off, and her insides torn out from her cunt?" he grinned, "Fried Takara for" dinner."

" YOU WOULDN'T. " hide growled, holding himself from falling flat on his face and dying.

" Oh but that's the fun of it, i could. I won't because she's a use to me, and she enjoys my company." he spit the ciggarette out in hide's face and walked five feet away from him, pullling out a gun, and pointing it in the vicinity of hide's temples. "Give up, your not going to win."

" Do it. " hide said, holding the gun further toward his head and harder, to prove to Saitoh he was afraid of others dying, but not himeslf. " Don't tell me you assumed i'm afraid of death? " hide gulped.

" Why bother when your trying to kill yourself? besides, if i were to kill you..i'd do it properly." Saitoh laughed, moving the gun back toward his pocket.

" Do it. You want to fucking kill me, then do it." hide growled, he didn't want to die slowly, but rather quickly. He didn't think he could muster the strength to use his telepathy to get help, and he was almost ready to just pass out and let saitoh shoot him.

" It's no fun when it's easy to-chan, look.. if i wanted you dead.. i would've killed you faster than superman on viagra." Saitoh replied, tilting his head, and watching hide die slowly.

hide lost control immediatley, he fell forward as his knees gave way to the pressure, the bones in his neck bending and snapping. Unable to breathe, gasping for air.. hide looked through the side of his eyes trying to kepe his eyes open and lungs working. Every muscle in his body shutdown, as he fell unconcious.

"I guess my work is done here." Saitoh smiled, leaving his younger cousin to bleed. Putting a finger inside the blood puddle, he licked his finger afterward and grinned, getting back up and trekking further on down the road a bit. Stopping at a small building housing a few of his lackies he grinned as he picked Takara out of the lounge and dragged her down to see the aftermath. " You, wanted him dead right ? "

The black haired beauty walked with Saitoh to the body of her exlover who was laying face down in the ground and unconcious. "hide!!!!!" she screamed, as she could see his body gush with blood,broken bones and more. She growled, trying to attack Saitoh with every bit of strength she had left.

" You won't hurt me, dear." Saitoh grinned, as the woman tried to freeze off bits of his body. " Ooo your sending CHILLS down my spine." he pushed her aside lightly, "Stop woman, there is no use."

"There is." Takara screamed, trying to hit Saitoh in strategic places, and failing.

Saitoh became quite angry, and grabbed her by the hair and threw her aside. " You stupid bitch, do you understand what your life really means to me after you keep needlessly attacking me?"

" I DON'T CARE !! I'm TIRED OF YOU TRYING TO HURT HIM! NO WONDER HE'S SO FUCKED UP!!!" she commented, screaming into saitoh's ears.

" There is nothing more you can do to save yourself." Saitoh exclaimed, placing a hand over takara's face and beginning to pressurize and trying to crush her skull.

"... taka-chan." hide said, gathering as much strength as he could to wake up, and get ahold of what was going on. "TAKARA!!!" he yelled, sensing her danger. He was blinded by the blood covering, and dried over his eyelids, his telepathy his only sight. "GODDAMNIT SAITOH DON'T KILL HER!!!"

"Your still alive?" Saitoh mock laughed, "I guess i'll just have to finish you off later my dear, i have to take care of your loverboy first." he moved his hands off Takara's head, and walked back toward hide, gliding in each step as he slipped his armblades back out. "So hideto.. life or death? You do know that justice served it's purpose, and it said to me once, kill the man.. he isn't worth a cent to this world." he slapped hide across the face, "That's for killing Aya."

"Aya wasn't murdered Saitoh, he was sadly a casualty in YOUR war that YOU Created." hide snarled, reaching into Saitoh's mind and trying to shut it down with what strength he had left. "Your more than defiant Saitoh, do you realize i'm not here to hurt anyone? I"m here to help you .. remember sai?"

"GET OUT OF MY MIND!" Saitoh smacked hide aside, growling and knowing full well he made more damage to the man's already frail body. Watching the other side of him bleed out like hurricane flooded waters, made a grin come across his face like a court jester in the middle of a trick. He then turned to Takara and bowed, smiling and grinning he uttered "Arigatou Gozaimasu... ARRRIGAAATOU GOZAIMASU" as he shapeshifted into his now dying cousin.

Takara didn't take the impersonation well, noticing the vocal impersonation was nearly to the tee, she growled. Her first option was to move close to Saitoh, and try to freeze off one of his armblades, or either that or make an ice blade. Opting for the latter, she made an ice dagger, and walked toward her enemy with a snarl. "Don't YOU DARE impersonate or MOCK hide like that, DO YOU HEAR ME?"

Sun, 11 Sep 2005 07:50:15 GMT

Taged by Samma-chan

You have to write down 20 things about you. Record the time it takes. However many minutes, tag that many people.

Start: 7:32

1. My name is Jillian Haldeman
2. My middle name is Elizabeth
3. My eyes are blue
4. I love to draw
5. hide pwns me/owns me.
6. I hate when people complain and they don't do anything about it.. mostly politically. so i can't say much XD
7. I like to dance.. wether i can do it well or not
8. I dislike to sleep, because i sleep too much
9. I am on aim.
10. I like making things on Photoshop Elements
11. I like to sing (i'm a little tone deaf, but i'm rectifying that.)
12. I love animals.. AND STUFFED ANIMALS!
13. I like all types of music, but again hide owns me. so i have to listen to him at least five times a week
14. I swear if i had a kid, it'd kill me on sight.
15. I'm 22, and still a virgin.
16. I have no clue my perference on sexuality.
17. I'm currently the mod, and stuff of nuked_
18. I'm mentally in the 2nd grade 8D
19. I like electronics, and if i can fuck with them *didnt say 'fuck them' , said 'fuck with them'* i could.
20. I HATE TOKYOPOP FOR DOING COURTNEY LOVE A FAVOR!

End: 7:50 (listening to NZ IDOL ) pm

Tagging:
taeko_chan, xxpersephonexx, sleepydaisuke

the morning after.

Fri, 02 Sep 2005 08:01:32 GMT

I, i dont know what came over my uber spaz last night.. i just feel like, i dont know.. i don't want to whine because everyone's going through this. But i ..

Well, wednesday night i went to a meeting for the Otaru-Dunedin sister city assosc. parade committee, and i tried to convince them that a bit of popular culture.. no matter wether hide or an anime, would colorize it. People need to see MODERN and TRADITIONAL JAPAN. Anyways...

I failed, or at least to my standards.

It got me even more frustrated that even japanese people here have no clue who hide is, they're born and raised in japan, and while not everyone is into him, just the fact not a lot have heard of him, is utterly frustrating.

There are more people of other races that enjoy the music of japan, which isn't a bad thing.. but at the same time, how many in japan actually are reacting to what anyone has to offer? I mean for gods sakes, the hide museum is closing! Doesn't this show not enough support within their own country?

I can name at least three people in the californian state, that are addicted to hide in some way.

Two in NZ, because taeko's boy in hamilton, and me in dunedin..

but i know there's at least 100 per state in the US, not including outlaying islands..

I know hide himself is pleased with how we all respect him and shit, but hey.. when can we get people in japan to see what good he has done?

I mean gods, even if we didn't have the hide museum.. hide should get a nomination for the rock n' roll hall of fame. EVEN IF It's just ONE small 8x10 in a small area of the museum in ohio, at least he'll get recognition.

So, in the words of owner-sama, and to the owners of the rock n' roll hall of fame in ohio, "FUCK, FUCK FUCK YOU! ... " and "Fuxx you!" 8D

Idiocy begets Idiocy, just as Violence IS the answer.

Thu, 01 Sep 2005 09:31:57 GMT

I'm fed up withmyself, and the world around me.. i need to ground myself to something so fucking solid it seperates me from the things i love the most, aside from family. I need to stop writing, i need to stop rping, i need to stop listening to jrock.

the whole thing of my obsession with hide raises to heights everyone close to me understands, so far that i beleive in paranormal. How'sa bout callin' it fucking ABNORMAL? Have i taken the time to even bother analyzing how insane i've become?

I've never been normal, i understand this.. and i'm not losing my self.. i'm just going insane.

I need to quit my life as an obsessed idiot girl, and ground myself, and make my family proud. I need to stop getting involved with japanese things, sort my shit out, box my hide stuff up and stop being such a fucking idot. I swear to god, i'm trying not to cry, because goddamnit hide's been a good fucking chunk of my life since 2003 (end), and he's grounded me more than anything..

but i need to grow the fuck up.

I'm gonna need to grow the fuck up, and give shit up.

That includes my art, my writing, my rolepaying.. and sadly just immerse myself in the english language.. Fuck the japanese parade at this point, that meeting was a wake up call, nobdoy likes a sad fangirl.

So yea. don't pity. me.

nuked fic: A midsummers night-mare

Thu, 25 Aug 2005 08:38:27 GMT

(PROLOGUE)

Night falls on the western area of Yokosuka, the night breeze flowing and rustling the midsummer leaves uptop the trees. Moon shine graces the education premesis of TSUKI NO AI, a refugee complex for the abnormal, also known as the mutated. A place, a haven.. to shelter those who have been, and are hunted. It's been six years since it opened, many students have come and go, Some have phased to the other side, and some have sadly died.

All throughout these years, the staff have been more than happy to savour the heartened task of teaching hte willing. Yet, all good things come with a bad side.. dark compliments the light, and all good things should come to an end.

The rebellion's stronghold, and pull over government funding is increasing everyday. Evidence has tried to prove that PACIFISM died in the Vietnam war, and fighting for a proper chance no matter the price is the way. With this in the way, and the lack of funding for those in financial need, Tsuki No Ai may go under.

The only two able to save this place from certain death are the famed, Hideto Matsumoto and Yoshiki Hayashi. Combined with the finances saved over time, and fundraising effort.. they might just pull it off.

If they can stand the heat.

PART ONE: Pigs in the Mud (UNFINISHED)

"A-yaaa!! Yo-chan!!" hide screamed as yoshiki patted him, ok .. actually SMACKED him across the back in order to wake him up. "WHAAAT?" he turned to see what was going on, and proceeded to climb out of bed. Rubbing his eyes, groggily he stared up toward Yoshiki's head, noticing a fluffly rasseled pink and black mop uptop his head
"FIX IT!!" Yoshiki growled, pointing to the hair uptop his head.

"heh. No." hide laughed climbing back into bed, "I am NOT roaming that maze at this time of - "

"it's noon." Yoshiki calmly pointed out.
PsyenceSxty: "EEESH. >>; i was out late." he grumbled , making a valid reason for climbing back into bed.

"I DONT CARE. FIX IT." Yoshiki screamed, "I DONT WANT THIS TO GO FURTHER."